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[02 May 2007|05:36pm] |
even though things could be pretty bad right now, they're not.
tiffany let me sleep in today before drving me to work, and woke me up with a pb&j sandwich wrapped in paper towel and a little jug of water for the ride to work.
she is so cute. i love her so fucking much.
i'm moving out soon, working towards a goal. going to be back at school! ahh!
friday tiff and i are going downtown for a little romantic day on the beach and then some hip shopping on queen west.
ali and val and liz and jessie and jacob are great staples in my life all the time. it's fantastic.
i miss steph a lot though.. everytime i hear her name i want to talk to her and she whats going on. it's strange to think we haven't talked in so long .. seen each other in months when i used to go to her house after school everyday.
strange.
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| it's complicated. |
[01 Feb 2007|03:20am] |
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mood |
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 complicated |
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Patterns seem to be in every facet of life. There never seems to be one feeling that stays with you forever. On the flip side, I've yet to feel one unique emotion, I experience the same ones over and over again. Complicated situations never cease to exist. Disappointment is imminent. Loves pattern seems to be a little more confusing.
People come and go in patterns as well. So does their role and thier importance. Is this making any sense? Probably not.
At this moment in my life, things are complicated. According to my livejournal, they're always complicated.
Tiffany and I had a momentary (a couple, actually.. we just got caught this time) lack of judgement that has left her mother very hurt. The actions? Tiffany coming to my house during the week, while she is supposed to be at school without her mother knowing. Unfortunately, her car (which has been having troubles lately) wouldn't start the morning after, when she was planning on going back to school without her mother knowing. How do I redeem myself in her mother's eyes? I concluded tonight that I'm terrified of her mom being angry and how she is going to channel that anger because of my parents lack of authority. They've never been disciplinary, they've never deprive me of ANY privleges. Together, they've yelled at me such few times I can count it on one hand. I'm not proud of this, or think that this is "good parenting" (whatever that is) but it's the truth.
In addition, our parents met for the first time. Later on, in a conversation with Tiffany, her mother pinned my mother as the type who is trying to be a "friend". My mother is not trying to be anything, that is who she is. She is not able to discipline, be strict with me or anything but comforting to Tiffany because well, she truly believes that's her place. Her mother's opinion sort of upset me. My parents have never had a stellar preformance with the neighbours and I've been very upset at the way they've been recieved in the past. I suppose that's sort of stupid. It's not my job to make sure my parents true colours, messages and moral code gets projected on to the face of everyone they encounter. Nor is it my job to sway Tiffany's mother's opinion.
It feels that no matter what Tiffany and I do, or don't do .. there is always so much to consider. I know we jeprodize each other's time, and quite frequently I feel like I don't connect with Jessie or Val, any of my friend's as much as I'd like to because Tiffany and I are constantly together. However, It's hard. To find time for everything. I can't help wanting to see her every second I can.
In addition, and possibly more importantly, after three months Ali and I have decided to work on reconstructing our friendship and our lost time. I've really come to the realization that at 18 years old, it's not about having "best friends" or worrying about who is close with who. Jealousy is really something I've worked on and will continue to work on overcoming. All I care about is that Ali and I can be good people and good friends with each other. That's all. I want good people. I want good friends.
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| Ghost Road. |
[07 Jan 2007|01:51am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Ghost Road.
For those of you who are patrons of Port Perry's infamous "Ghost Road" you may be familiar with a couple named Sherry & Chris. Chris, a strange camoflague sporting, butcher knife carrying hick who has been going to Ghost Road for 18 years and Sherry, his tubby, preplexing yet somehow comforting girlfriend.
Well, it started off with us in our car (Christina, Tiffany, Val and I). Chris was off galavanting in the bushes, knee deep in puddles of water chasing "ghosts" the couple see quite often. Sherry, is telling us stories of their endeavours and encounters with the various "ghosts" they see. Sara, a little girl was apparently standing beside our car. After listening to her stories about Sara, military men on horses, groups of ghost children and their "Caregiver" she suddenly pressed up against the car with sheer horror. She asked us if she could come in the car, of course, Christina being most accomodating let her in. She sat in the car with us for quite some time until the ghost, animal or her fucking imagination had subsided.
We then got out of the car to stand outside with Chris & Sherry (Ghost Road's #1 Advocates). She then coerced us to have some sort of meditation to see if we could encounter these various "ghosts". Of course, power of suggestion or true ghost apparitions did sort of spook us. I'm not going to lie, I was uneasy and did feel like I could see some weird movement in the clearing ahead.
Suddenly, Chris speeds off in his muddy shitwagon of a car. Sherry tells us he had to run home and asks us if we'd like to take a walk down to the end of Missasaugas road to see the rock the TRUE GHOST ROAD GHOST (Motorcylist Invisible, we will call him) crashed his bike on.
Now looking back on this, I can't believe we were so accepting of this couple and thier strange antics and generousity. A creepy husband with psychokiller qualities and his kind wife leading us astray as soon as he disappeared, Paul Bernardo/Holmolka much?
We walk to the end of the road, with much sidetracking due to the fact she kept stopping every 5 seconds to interact with a ghost. We touch the rock, no big hurrah/haunting/anything.
This woman is pretty hefty, so as we were walking abck she lagged behind due to her size, her constant stopping to smell the roses and the fact she hurt her foot on our little walk. Suddenly, she stops dead. Staring into the woods, without saying anything. We're about 4 feet ahead of her by now, not really giving much consideration to sticking around.
------- INSERT BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM -------
SHERRY STARTS RUNNING, FULL SPEED AHEAD! HEAVING, SCREAMING, FLAILING. WE SCREAM AND RUN. ALL THE WAY TO THE FUCKING CAR.
Chris miraculously showed up, tottin' his knife, ready for combat. Sherry's attention had been caught by a red light. Phantom red lights, she had informed us earlier meant demons were staring at you. However, the red light started to come towards her, until she realized in was a full sillhouette of a person with a red light. Someone was approaching her, from deep in the woods with a red light. SCARY.
Chris, furious! starts to trek forwards to the spot of initial fear. Tiffany, asks what he is going on to .. "find the fucker, scare him .. or beat him." Let me remind you, knife still in hand.
Suffice to say, we booked it the fuck out of there. I didn't really want to stick around to see psychokiller working his magic.
FUCKED UP.
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[21 Dec 2006|07:28am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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atmosphere - joy division |
] |
Christmas Time is here, much to my chagrine.
I was very excited when it all started, really. Now I just feel drained and tired. Not to mention, my father and brother are working Christmas Day. My mother will be cooking. Ringing in the New Year? Not going to be much joy there either. Tiffany, Chris, Christina and I will probably find something to do. We were thinking about going to Niagra Falls for something to do.
I'll be moving in with them next year, in September as well. It's going to be very strange, but since I consider them all friends I suspect it will be a lot better than my previous life away from home in Toronto.
I feel like I've been stripped bare, almost. Really pushed to my limits. My brother had a warrant for his immediate arrest today. I had no one to call. I have no one to call. Tiffany was working. Jessie? I assume she's working.
Things are just so complicated. Without any resolve. Tonight, Christina took me out to talk about everything, which offered guidance to the situation. She went through the same loss this time last year too. Then Matt Coffey, Steve, Christina, Tiffany and I discovered the hilarity of the "mill wall brick".
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| just what you saw |
[30 Oct 2006|04:36am] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
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music |
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perfect day - lou reed |
] |
i have this overwhelming sense that i've become blind.
i'm missing out on this gorgeous imagery, gorgeous chance. but i can't see it or get to it, reach it.
it's truly unfortunate.
although i've moved back home due to an intense depression that i cannot shake, not all is terrible.
my girlfriend and i are stil very much together and sharing every moment we can, very much together.
tonight, codiene is keeping me very relaxed. not capable of too much complaining when i feel this much in touch with myself.
but it's not myself i'm missing out on.
i'm fucking tired of myself.
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