wanna see me disco?

Wed, 02 May 2007 21:40:49 GMT

even though things could be pretty bad right now, they're not.
tiffany let me sleep in today before drving me to work, and woke me up with a pb&j sandwich wrapped in paper towel and a little jug of water for the ride to work.
she is so cute. i love her so fucking much.
i'm moving out soon, working towards a goal. going to be back at school! ahh!
friday tiff and i are going downtown for a little romantic day on the beach and then some hip shopping on queen west.
ali and val and liz and jessie and jacob are great staples in my life all the time. it's fantastic.
i miss steph a lot though.. everytime i hear her name i want to talk to her and she whats going on. it's strange to think we haven't talked in so long .. seen each other in months when i used to go to her house after school everyday.
strange.

it's complicated.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 08:36:05 GMT

Patterns seem to be in every facet of life. There never seems to be one feeling that stays with you forever. On the flip side, I've yet to feel one unique emotion, I experience the same ones over and over again. Complicated situations never cease to exist. Disappointment is imminent. Loves pattern seems to be a little more confusing.

People come and go in patterns as well. So does their role and thier importance. Is this making any sense? Probably not.

At this moment in my life, things are complicated. According to my livejournal, they're always complicated.

Tiffany and I had a momentary (a couple, actually.. we just got caught this time) lack of judgement that has left her mother very hurt. The actions? Tiffany coming to my house during the week, while she is supposed to be at school without her mother knowing. Unfortunately, her car (which has been having troubles lately) wouldn't start the morning after, when she was planning on going back to school without her mother knowing. How do I redeem myself in her mother's eyes? I concluded tonight that I'm terrified of her mom being angry and how she is going to channel that anger because of my parents lack of authority. They've never been disciplinary, they've never deprive me of ANY privleges. Together, they've yelled at me such few times I can count it on one hand. I'm not proud of this, or think that this is "good parenting" (whatever that is) but it's the truth.
In addition, our parents met for the first time. Later on, in a conversation with Tiffany, her mother pinned my mother as the type who is trying to be a "friend". My mother is not trying to be anything, that is who she is. She is not able to discipline, be strict with me or anything but comforting to Tiffany because well, she truly believes that's her place. Her mother's opinion sort of upset me. My parents have never had a stellar preformance with the neighbours and I've been very upset at the way they've been recieved in the past. I suppose that's sort of stupid. It's not my job to make sure my parents true colours, messages and moral code gets projected on to the face of everyone they encounter. Nor is it my job to sway Tiffany's mother's opinion.

It feels that no matter what Tiffany and I do, or don't do .. there is always so much to consider. I know we jeprodize each other's time, and quite frequently I feel like I don't connect with Jessie or Val, any of my friend's as much as I'd like to because Tiffany and I are constantly together. However, It's hard. To find time for everything. I can't help wanting to see her every second I can.

In addition, and possibly more importantly, after three months Ali and I have decided to work on reconstructing our friendship and our lost time. I've really come to the realization that at 18 years old, it's not about having "best friends" or worrying about who is close with who. Jealousy is really something I've worked on and will continue to work on overcoming. All I care about is that Ali and I can be good people and good friends with each other. That's all. I want good people. I want good friends.

Ghost Road.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 10:12:09 GMT

Ghost Road.
For those of you who are patrons of Port Perry's infamous "Ghost Road" you may be familiar with a couple named Sherry & Chris. Chris, a strange camoflague sporting, butcher knife carrying hick who has been going to Ghost Road for 18 years and Sherry, his tubby, preplexing yet somehow comforting girlfriend.
Well, it started off with us in our car (Christina, Tiffany, Val and I). Chris was off galavanting in the bushes, knee deep in puddles of water chasing "ghosts" the couple see quite often. Sherry, is telling us stories of their endeavours and encounters with the various "ghosts" they see. Sara, a little girl was apparently standing beside our car. After listening to her stories about Sara, military men on horses, groups of ghost children and their "Caregiver" she suddenly pressed up against the car with sheer horror. She asked us if she could come in the car, of course, Christina being most accomodating let her in. She sat in the car with us for quite some time until the ghost, animal or her fucking imagination had subsided.
We then got out of the car to stand outside with Chris & Sherry (Ghost Road's #1 Advocates). She then coerced us to have some sort of meditation to see if we could encounter these various "ghosts". Of course, power of suggestion or true ghost apparitions did sort of spook us. I'm not going to lie, I was uneasy and did feel like I could see some weird movement in the clearing ahead.
Suddenly, Chris speeds off in his muddy shitwagon of a car. Sherry tells us he had to run home and asks us if we'd like to take a walk down to the end of Missasaugas road to see the rock the TRUE GHOST ROAD GHOST (Motorcylist Invisible, we will call him) crashed his bike on.
Now looking back on this, I can't believe we were so accepting of this couple and thier strange antics and generousity. A creepy husband with psychokiller qualities and his kind wife leading us astray as soon as he disappeared, Paul Bernardo/Holmolka much?
We walk to the end of the road, with much sidetracking due to the fact she kept stopping every 5 seconds to interact with a ghost. We touch the rock, no big hurrah/haunting/anything.
This woman is pretty hefty, so as we were walking abck she lagged behind due to her size, her constant stopping to smell the roses and the fact she hurt her foot on our little walk. Suddenly, she stops dead. Staring into the woods, without saying anything. We're about 4 feet ahead of her by now, not really giving much consideration to sticking around.
------- INSERT BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM -------
SHERRY STARTS RUNNING, FULL SPEED AHEAD! HEAVING, SCREAMING, FLAILING. WE SCREAM AND RUN. ALL THE WAY TO THE FUCKING CAR.
Chris miraculously showed up, tottin' his knife, ready for combat. Sherry's attention had been caught by a red light. Phantom red lights, she had informed us earlier meant demons were staring at you. However, the red light started to come towards her, until she realized in was a full sillhouette of a person with a red light. Someone was approaching her, from deep in the woods with a red light. SCARY.
Chris, furious! starts to trek forwards to the spot of initial fear. Tiffany, asks what he is going on to .. "find the fucker, scare him .. or beat him." Let me remind you, knife still in hand.
Suffice to say, we booked it the fuck out of there. I didn't really want to stick around to see psychokiller working his magic.

FUCKED UP.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 07:28:22 GMT

Christmas Time is here, much to my chagrine.
I was very excited when it all started, really. Now I just feel drained and tired. Not to mention, my father and brother are working Christmas Day. My mother will be cooking. Ringing in the New Year? Not going to be much joy there either. Tiffany, Chris, Christina and I will probably find something to do. We were thinking about going to Niagra Falls for something to do.
I'll be moving in with them next year, in September as well. It's going to be very strange, but since I consider them all friends I suspect it will be a lot better than my previous life away from home in Toronto.

I feel like I've been stripped bare, almost. Really pushed to my limits. My brother had a warrant for his immediate arrest today. I had no one to call. I have no one to call. Tiffany was working. Jessie? I assume she's working.

Things are just so complicated. Without any resolve. Tonight, Christina took me out to talk about everything, which offered guidance to the situation. She went through the same loss this time last year too. Then Matt Coffey, Steve, Christina, Tiffany and I discovered the hilarity of the "mill wall brick".

just what you saw

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 04:41:52 GMT

i have this overwhelming sense that i've become blind.
i'm missing out on this gorgeous imagery, gorgeous chance. but i can't see it or get to it, reach it.
it's truly unfortunate.
although i've moved back home due to an intense depression that i cannot shake, not all is terrible.
my girlfriend and i are stil very much together and sharing every moment we can, very much together.
tonight, codiene is keeping me very relaxed. not capable of too much complaining when i feel this much in touch with myself.
but it's not myself i'm missing out on.
i'm fucking tired of myself.

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 19:45:59 GMT

all i want to do is fuck.

reflecting.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 07:59:51 GMT

alright, so i'm sitting here at 3:30 in the morning, smoking an indian reserve cigarette. this is something i rarely do, unless i'm frusturated, just had delicious sex or uncomfortably high. 2 of the 3 apply. considering i'm just about to write a journal entry, i assume you can guess which 2 those may be.

i'm not sure what to write about, but it's been awhile and i know i've had too much on my mind in these past few weeks since pride. i want to vent.

i know change is a reoccuring theme, and obviously a little typical considering i'm in the awkward stages of limbo between highschool and university. i suppose, i'm writing this to reflect. since no one is here to occupy my inebriated mind and keep my attention, i figure i've got nothing better to do.

in the past 5 years, including grade 8 so much has shaped who i am .. up until now. i feel like i've made this drastic change without any influence. i can recall back in grade 8 when i had these wonderful friendships with Andrew Mitchell, Alex Kentris and Steph. it was fantastic. however, i still convinced myself i was tormented. y'know how it is when you're young and trying to discover yrself. everything is terrible, everyone is against you and yr life is in turmoil. however, everything i did back then was full of fresh new experiences. my friends and i could sit in stephanie's basement, being completely awkward. we were so incredibly awkward. i also convinced myself i was inlove with my friend Alex. in a sense, i don't think that'll ever go away. even though we're completely seperate entities who don't acknowledge each other's presence, there is something about him i'll never forget. he shaped me in more ways than he can probably fathom. he encouraged me. and to be completely honest, in grade 8 he was a sort of inspiration and push for me to try and succeed and surpass the so called "depression" i was going through. he was just an conflicted as i was and just as willing to jump into the deep end, emotions hanging out in the open. the funny thing is, he was one of the few people who every "got" me. and he was always 100% with me.

i had a two year relationship with a boy named kenny. after that ended, he came to realize that i controlled the whole relationship. i never really came to realize that. i think about it now, and it was really the only time i've been in a relationship and been happy, comfortable and willing to commit. he wasn't my first love, i don't know if i've even experienced that yet .. but he was definitely something. he took my time, my attention and my heart for a long time. thinking about him makes me feel strange, and to be honest .. it doesn't really feel like that ever happened.

steph and i broke apart in grade 10 for awhile, this is when i developed a strong relationship with Valerie. thinking about that period in my life is strange as well. i dedicated my entire life to her. she was always on my thoughts .. and i guess it started to seem to me that i was inlove with her. we were so "alike" at the time but i don't think that was ever really the case. we sort of fed off each other so much that we began to really need each other. when i look back at it, that was the most emotion intensive relationship i've ever had. every little inconsistency with her would hut me more than anything i could compare. however, once she was out of my life .. she was out of my life. i didn't really consider her, unlike others i have lost.

there have been so many acquantances and friends and fairweather friends and relationships... i don't know where to begin with the other people who have graced me with thier presence. i wish i could sit down and pick the brain of everyone i've met and been involved with in any way. so i could compile all the memories i've forgotten and all the conversations that were so endearing to me. i used to believe i fell in and out of love with people all the time, but now i know they were all temporary infatuations that passed as fast as they swelled up in my chest and eyes.

i don't believe anyone will read all of this, but i can't stop writing. stupid drugs.

it's funny to think that some of my most important conversations have been online, sometimes to people i've never met. it's sort of pathetic but then again, i assume it's not all that strange now adays. in the beginning when i began to question my sexuality, the only people i had to turn to were strangers from the internet. however, a few on these online
"relationships" have caused me a lot of harm and a bit of trouble. i'm not overly cautious .. or i wasn't.

of course jessie, steph and ali are where my trust lies now. in a strange way i depend on them more than i can trust my own thoughts, it's sort of dangerous. i spend more time with them then i do sleeping or conducting thoughts of my own. lately, i suppose that's all changed. although i still see them frequently i've found that i've had a lot more time of my own. i suppose that's the inpsiration for this entry. i've just had a lot of time to compose a self-examined life and to establish what i really what to be about and to be seen as. this is also dangerous though, i'm becoming more and more comfortable in my solitude. but i know deep down inside, i can't help but make room for my friends when the time comes to pass.

ali and i have a very hectic relationship, another emotionally intensive bond between to confused/queer individuals. i need him to understand me, more than anyone else. and when he doesn't, i get uncontrollably angry. i feel like shaking him and forcing him to understand where i am coming from. we are both needy and so fucking confused. well he was away, i began to get uncomfortable with touch. i didn't and for the most part, don't want people touching me anymore. it's the price i pay for being extremely liberal with my body in the past. this may not sound overly important, however .. the second he got back i couldn't help but want him cuddling in bed with me. i just can't explain us, i think all the mystery and confusion make it so much more enjoyable...

as for jessie and steph, they're completely aware of where they stand in my life. considering they've been in it for close to a decade.

people like alysha, natalie,amy,dave gurr and matt coffey pushed me to open doors and push boundaries in my life. i don't think they will ever really know, but they helped me come into a world that i was completely oblivious too for a large part of my life. in a way, they sort of helped me be cultured. i suppose it sounds ridiculous, but it's absolutely true. they opened me up to art, experiences, drugs, music and thoughts/concepts i never would have sought out on my own .. even though i don't devote a large portion of my time to these people, i owe them more than the time i have.

the last person i'm going to talk about is Fletcher. i know his name reappears in this journal so much, and for good reason. he is such a ridiculous son of a bitch. but the charm that boy has could cause you to jump into a never ending black hole. i can't begin to explain how he made me feel. again, i don't know if it's love .. i don't think i've allowed myself to be fully capable of that emotion but he captured a part of me that i'll never get back. my friends and family despise him and sometimes, i do too. he is concerned with trivial matters that i have no interest in .. but when i talk to him, or see him ... or come within 1000 miles of him i sweat. tingle and lose notions of anything else in the universe. i hate him for it. but i hold on to him for it too. love triangles between him and a certain girl got mixed up in all the mess. however, my unrelenting adoration and infatuation with the boy won't cease to exist.

thus far in life, i've come close to going over the edge .. some people have pushed and some have extended thier hand. i'm eternally grateful for both.

if you've read all this, you're a crazy bitch.

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 14:41:51 GMT

i'm officially done highschool! strange, very strange.
but more importantly, happy pride! <33

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 03:38:51 GMT

you know what? i don't think i can live much longer without Ali.
i miss him so incredibly much.. i miss the fact that he is willing to get in to all kinds of nonsense, consequences aside... even if that is incredibly irresponsible.
i miss lying in his bed, and having his mother call me a whore in punjabi ... i miss his dancing and his smoking cigarettes and blowing the smoke in my face. always.
i miss ali. so much. i don't think anyone can possibly fathom it.
come home baby! mama misses you!

mad skywriting

Fri, 05 May 2006 03:50:01 GMT

there is this great divide between everyone else in the world and myself right now ... well that's what it feels like anyway. i wish there was someone i could understand and wrap my head around, someone who would give me a soft spot in their brain to make camp in. but that just doesn't seem to be the case.
the people closest to me seem to be closing off and moving in a very strange way. but with those people, i'm tired of reaching out. i'm tired of tip-toeing around sensitive subjects with sensitive people. whatever.

running over the same old ground

Thu, 04 May 2006 00:28:58 GMT

On tuesday i had a tooth removed. the phantom tooth, that hid behind my bottom row. it was strange, i was so psyched up for the procedure but it really wasn't that bad. however, afterwards i felt really overwhelmed. i can't even explain why. i just wanted to cry, strange eh? the tooth was over an inch long and now i have a big bloody hole in my mouth. tomorrow i have to go get the gaping cavity that the tooth was hiding filled. the root of all the toothaches i've been having for weeks. mystery solved!

aside from that, not too much has been going on. global marijuana march this weekend, should be entertaining. i've been missing copius amounts of school which is probably a really bad idea. i can just visualize my plummeting english mark.

oh well, after tomorrow i'll be able to drink coffee again. that is all that truly matters. <3

you don't know how lovely you are ..

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:53:30 GMT

what the fuck are we doing?

fantasy will set you free

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 00:26:17 GMT

Shuffle.
First line of first 20 songs.
No matter how random, pointless, or stupid.
Post, and guess others.

close your eyes girl.

1. There she goes again, Out on the streets again. She's down on her knees, my friend.

~~2. Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with weird and gilly and the spiders from Mars.~~ Petra

3. It's a hard world, to get a break in. All the good things have been taken.

~~4. They're waking you up to close the bar. The street's wet you can tell by the sound of the cars.~~ Steph

5. Don't the flowers at your feet smell sweet. They sure smell sweet to me.

6. You had them all on your side, didn't you? didn't you? You believed in all your lies, didn't you?

7. I'm just mad about Saffron .Saffron's mad about me. I'm just mad about Saffron. She's just mad about me.

8. Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?

9. Life in a day, fleet of foot. Full of grace.

10. I'm everyone. I feel used, i'm everyone. I need you,
i'm everyone.

~~11. Ground control to Major Tom.~~ Petra

12. There are no set rules to follow. Just a big black gaping hollow.

~~13. Sunshine came softly through my a-window today. Could've tripped out easy a-but I've a-changed my ways~~. Steph

14. They say your young, to young to know how much you feel. thank god for hormones.

15. I will stop. I will stop at nothing. Say the right things
when electioneering I trust I can rely on your vote.

16. Every single night i think it's almost over, almost over. almost over.

17. The parasites are excited when you're dead. Eyes bulging, entering your head.

~~18. A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile.~~ Petra

~~19. It's quite possible that I'm your third man girl. But it's a fact that I'm the seventh son.~~ Petra

20. I like to dream yes, yes right between the sound machine. On a cloud of sound I drift through the night.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 23:35:46 GMT

i got accepted to Ottawa and i got a $2000 scholarship!!

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 12:28:55 GMT

Accepted to Laurier!

finally.. it has happened to me ..

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 04:33:52 GMT

So I really do believe it's time to do an update, although nothing entirely significant has happened. However, there has been a lot of drama and a lot of strange events.

To add a little bit of my own drama, I'm ridiculously depressed. I have no excuses and no alternative methods to get out of this hole. I haven't been going to school, I haven't made any effort to talk to anyone or to do anything about my current state. Honestly, for a week I just stayed in bed. I have no idea what I'm going to do next year. I still am without an acceptance letter, but I sent off my portfolio for Carleton last week. I will apparently be recieving acceptance or otherwise in the mail within the next two weeks. However, that really doesn't mean to much. I don't know if I want to be in Ottawa, but it is the farthest I can be from my family and this shitty town without feeling uncomfortably detached. That is a pretty big plus to the argument.

I was thinking maybe just work and move out, however, that will not further my situation in anyway. Only offer me a temporary escape from this house. Which is still in a state of disarray.

I tried to become a part-time student, but apparently Wilson doesn't have the funding for it. Why they need funding is beyond me but it means I'm stuck taking Economics. I'm going to fail admirably, that's for sure.

My romantic life is still in a state of confusion as well. Christina and I dated for 3 weeks, although she was a very nice and fun loving girl .. it wasn't going to work. She was extremely uncomfortable with her sexuality and it began to make me uncomfortable. One of my friends is interested in me which in compelling but maybe a little to strange to act on. Most importantly, Chris talks to me after disappearing for weeks telling me how much he fucking misses me. My heart melts. I don't know what it is about that kid .. I try to distance myself from him and his extremely self destructive ways but he always has an amazing ability to charm the pants off me, literally.

Kings of the jungle is on the 18th, anyone interested in joinin' in?

I also have not really spoken to any of my best friends in a long fucking time. I don't know where Jessie is, if she is alright .. what is going on in her life and her mind. It's terrifying. Steph is back from Florida so I've got to work on allthe catching up with her.. such a trying time.

and now .. i think i'm getting sick.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 04:55:33 GMT

if i seem unethused and distant in the next few weeks, it's justified. worst events of my families life have happened in the past 4 days and will carry on for months.

Thu, 12 May 2005 02:55:47 GMT

without you, everything falls apart.

Tue, 10 May 2005 22:50:06 GMT

THRY DON'T BELIEVE I LOVE THEM, THEY DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT FUCK ME BEING SELFISH, THEY CAN HAVE EACH OTHER

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:02:39 GMT

i got a crazy eyebrow piercing, what do you think?

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 19:21:18 GMT

sorry, friends only comment and yr added!